Anger is a natural emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. However, when it becomes overwhelming or unmanageable, it can lead to problems in our personal relationships, work, and overall well-being. Most people misunderstand the difference between aggression and anger. People often feel shameful about their anger when what they truly worry about is aggression, not anger. Then, the question is: how to get anger under control? How to express anger in a healthy way? To answer these questions, we must first understand the true definition of anger.

According to Brené Brown, “anger is an emotional response that occurs when something prevents a desired outcome or when there is a violation of what things should be.” Anger is a natural response and emotion that we, as human beings, possess. If we look from Peter Levine’s, the Somatic Experiencing pioneer, point of view from anger, “we can see anger as a survival mechanism: Anger is a self-protective response to provocation and is a part of our fight-or-flight response. Anger is also a great source of information. As we allow ourselves to feel the anger and accept the anger, it can provide us with information to heal and grow. Anger is a source of energy that can lead to bold, determined action, activism even. People who often feel anger stuck in their bodies or trapped in a similar situation may be due to past unresolved trauma.” In my experiences, I observe all the above definitions as true and more. Anger may also be a way to protect ourselves from feeling sadness, anger, shame, and guilt.

How to get my anger under control?

Accept your anger and don’t try to suppress it.
Can you give yourself permission to see anger is just a part of you, not all of you? It’s something you need to feel. It may be hard to accept the feeling of anger or tolerate it completely at first. Can you ask yourself to practice noticing and being with your anger, as much or as little as your body can accept? Most of the time, it only takes 2 minutes to slow down and give yourself a chance to process the feeling. These two minutes can be powerful, as you are validating your feelings.
Be curious about the anger.
Can you spend some time to ask yourself what are you angry about? What triggers your anger? If your anger had words, what would it say to you? What would your anger like you to know? Maybe there are underlying situations that your anger would like you to know. Can you try to understand your anger without any judgment? It may be helpful to answer these questions by writing them down as it can help sort out your feelings, thoughts, and the root cause of the problems.
Express Anger healthy.
There are a lot of healthy outlets for anger, including writing, drawing, playing or listening to music, walking, weight lifting, or yoga. After you process your anger, you can better express yourself using “I “ statement. A way to express yourself assertively without the other party feeling attacked. The following sentence is a good example to use “I” statement correctly: “I feel angry because you always comment on my weight. It’s very triggering for me and I would like to you stop commenting on my body and appearance.” The formula is starting with “I feel ……………….. (fill the blank with feeling words), because ………………………..(fill the blank with specific behavior), and I would like ………………….(propose solution).
Write Down Your Rules
Once you understand more about where your anger is coming from, could you write down some rules that you would like to better protect yourself? Some people also call this boundary setting. With unreasonable demands, learn to stay “no.” Write the things down ahead of time that you won’t tolerate, could ease the process of setting boundaries to protect yourself, and easier to follow through.
Practice Self Compassion.
Too many times, we criticize ourselves for being angry and burden ourselves with shame and guilt. It’s important to provide ourselves with self-compassion, accept the way we are at this point and time. Provide ourselves with some patience, grace, and love, while we learn to better be with our anger. You can goolge self-compassion meditation and lots of resources will be popping up to enhance self-compassion practices.
Seek Professional Help
If your anger feels unmanageable or leads to destructive behavior, seeking professional support can be incredibly beneficial. An experienced therapist can help you explore the underlying causes of your anger and teach you effective coping strategies tailored to your needs.
Learning to manage your anger is a vital skill that can lead to healthier relationships and improved emotional well-being. By acknowledging your feelings, identifying triggers, and developing constructive coping strategies, you can be more confident to be with your anger and transform it into a source of strength. If you’re ready to take the next step, consider reaching out for professional support. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.

About this Author
”Jane” I-Chen Liu, MA. LMHC is a mental health therapist in Washington state, who specialized in treating women with anxiety, depression, trauma, and CPTSD using EMDR, IFS, and Somatic Experiencing. To contact this author, please email: karekounseling@gmail.com

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